By Jian Ping
A recent Wall Street article titled “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior” by Amy Chua created
a lot of controversy. The day Chua’s article appeared in the paper, I received two emails from
my Chinese friends, forwarding me the article, with one telling me his son called Chua “a
monster.” The following day, when I had dinner with a Chinese girlfriend who was raising three
young daughters in the U.S., we had a heated discussion on the issue. My friend was enraged
by Chua’s claim of her tough, extreme disciplines and demands in bringing up her children the
“Chinese way.”
Here is how Chua started her article:
“A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids.
They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies,
what it's like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because
I've done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:
• attend a sleepover
• have a play date
A recent Wall Street article titled “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior” by Amy Chua created
a lot of controversy. The day Chua’s article appeared in the paper, I received two emails from
my Chinese friends, forwarding me the article, with one telling me his son called Chua “a
monster.” The following day, when I had dinner with a Chinese girlfriend who was raising three
young daughters in the U.S., we had a heated discussion on the issue. My friend was enraged
by Chua’s claim of her tough, extreme disciplines and demands in bringing up her children the
“Chinese way.”
Here is how Chua started her article:
“A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids.
They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies,
what it's like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because
I've done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:
• attend a sleepover
• have a play date
| Jian Ping |
| If you want to make a difference in the lives of our residents, visit our website to view and apply for our current openings. www.oakwoodvillage.net Oakwood Village is a Lutheran church-sponsored, not-for-profit, locally operated organization consisting of two continuing care retirement communities, Oakwood Village East and Oakwood Village West, in Madison, Wisconsin. EOEd organization consisting of two continuing care retirement communities, Oakwood Village East and Oakwood Village West, in Madison, Wisconsin. EOE |
Jian Ping is author of “Mulberry Child: A Memoir of China. “ For
more information, visit www.moraquest.com or www.mulberrychild.
com. Jian Ping’s blog, which she keeps with a couple of other
authors, is at www.smearedtype.com.
more information, visit www.moraquest.com or www.mulberrychild.
com. Jian Ping’s blog, which she keeps with a couple of other
authors, is at www.smearedtype.com.
• be in a school play
• complain about not being in a school play
• watch TV or play computer games
• choose their own extracurricular activities
• get any grade less than an A
• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
• play any instrument other than the piano or violin
• not play the piano or violin.”
Chua also wrote about an incident in which she hauled her daughter’s dollhouse to her car and threatened to donate them
if the daughter didn’t master the skills to play a difficult music number on the piano. When that didn’t work, she went as far as
calling her seven-year-old girl “garbage.” Chua wanted to shame her daughter into action. Chua stated that her parents did the
same to her when she was a child.
I was astonished, despite my understanding of her motivation and frustration. Many Chinese parents are strict with their
children and push them hard to realize the parents’ high expectations, whatever they may be. However, even I, a strict Chinese
mother, especially in my daughter’s eyes, found Chua’s rules and behavior disconcerting.
I also have problems with Chua’s categorization. She considered Chinese mothers “superior” because they strive to deliver
super achievers. And she claimed her way of raising children the “Chinese way.”
It would be much more reasonable if she regarded her merits and mistakes (she later tuned it down) in raising her children
her way, hers alone.
There are traditions in different cultures when it comes to educate the young. In the Chinese culture, since our ancient sage
Confucius’ time, education has been highly valued and emphasized. But the education was not just academic studies—it has
always included the components of self cultivation, such as virtues and morals. Besides, if we peel off the surface that marked
the differences among various cultures, our feelings, expectations, and love for our children—the very core of us as parents, are
more similar than different.
“I grew up in China,” my girlfriend Jing said. “My mother was and still is a saint—she is full of love, tenderness and care.
She never pushed me in my studies when I was young. If anything, she was always worried that too much study would ruin my
eye sight. She kept reminding me to take breaks.”
Another Chinese, a father in this case, made the comment to me: “She (Chua) is making a more stereotypical comparison
between Chinese and Western parenting. In my opinion, the goal of parenting is not to produce winners—there can only be so
many winners, but to nurture individuals who are contributors to society and live a happy life while doing it.”
These are views of Chinese parents, too. More balanced, in my opinion.
I brought up my Chinese-American daughter in the U.S. I must admit that I had high expectations for her and pushed her to
excel in her studies as well. I sent her to an elite boarding school to receive a better education despite her reluctance. I believe
in drive, effort, and persistence and tried to instill these beliefs in my daughter. I don’t like the doting praises by any American
mother for a child’s “personal best” even when she/he is achieving mediocre results. I believe “self-esteem” is earned, not
bestowed by superficial compliments. But humiliating a child by intimidation or calling names is not “tough love,” but borderline
abuse.
Many Chinese put a lot of emphasis on education, a tradition going back to our ancient times. Since Asian culture by and
large is very much influenced by Confucian ideology, the respect for and emphasis on education is a common phenomenon in
most of the cultures and countries in Asia. For thousands of years in China, a son who passed the imperial examination would
bring glory and wealth to his family. And passing the examination also granted a way for an ordinary person to rise above his
rank. The importance and value placed on education has been passed on, even though the system has long been changed. I’
ve seen many instances of restaurant or laundry owners who slave for many years to send their children to the best universities
possible. Well-educated parents attribute their successful careers largely to their education and expect their children to follow
• complain about not being in a school play
• watch TV or play computer games
• choose their own extracurricular activities
• get any grade less than an A
• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
• play any instrument other than the piano or violin
• not play the piano or violin.”
Chua also wrote about an incident in which she hauled her daughter’s dollhouse to her car and threatened to donate them
if the daughter didn’t master the skills to play a difficult music number on the piano. When that didn’t work, she went as far as
calling her seven-year-old girl “garbage.” Chua wanted to shame her daughter into action. Chua stated that her parents did the
same to her when she was a child.
I was astonished, despite my understanding of her motivation and frustration. Many Chinese parents are strict with their
children and push them hard to realize the parents’ high expectations, whatever they may be. However, even I, a strict Chinese
mother, especially in my daughter’s eyes, found Chua’s rules and behavior disconcerting.
I also have problems with Chua’s categorization. She considered Chinese mothers “superior” because they strive to deliver
super achievers. And she claimed her way of raising children the “Chinese way.”
It would be much more reasonable if she regarded her merits and mistakes (she later tuned it down) in raising her children
her way, hers alone.
There are traditions in different cultures when it comes to educate the young. In the Chinese culture, since our ancient sage
Confucius’ time, education has been highly valued and emphasized. But the education was not just academic studies—it has
always included the components of self cultivation, such as virtues and morals. Besides, if we peel off the surface that marked
the differences among various cultures, our feelings, expectations, and love for our children—the very core of us as parents, are
more similar than different.
“I grew up in China,” my girlfriend Jing said. “My mother was and still is a saint—she is full of love, tenderness and care.
She never pushed me in my studies when I was young. If anything, she was always worried that too much study would ruin my
eye sight. She kept reminding me to take breaks.”
Another Chinese, a father in this case, made the comment to me: “She (Chua) is making a more stereotypical comparison
between Chinese and Western parenting. In my opinion, the goal of parenting is not to produce winners—there can only be so
many winners, but to nurture individuals who are contributors to society and live a happy life while doing it.”
These are views of Chinese parents, too. More balanced, in my opinion.
I brought up my Chinese-American daughter in the U.S. I must admit that I had high expectations for her and pushed her to
excel in her studies as well. I sent her to an elite boarding school to receive a better education despite her reluctance. I believe
in drive, effort, and persistence and tried to instill these beliefs in my daughter. I don’t like the doting praises by any American
mother for a child’s “personal best” even when she/he is achieving mediocre results. I believe “self-esteem” is earned, not
bestowed by superficial compliments. But humiliating a child by intimidation or calling names is not “tough love,” but borderline
abuse.
Many Chinese put a lot of emphasis on education, a tradition going back to our ancient times. Since Asian culture by and
large is very much influenced by Confucian ideology, the respect for and emphasis on education is a common phenomenon in
most of the cultures and countries in Asia. For thousands of years in China, a son who passed the imperial examination would
bring glory and wealth to his family. And passing the examination also granted a way for an ordinary person to rise above his
rank. The importance and value placed on education has been passed on, even though the system has long been changed. I’
ve seen many instances of restaurant or laundry owners who slave for many years to send their children to the best universities
possible. Well-educated parents attribute their successful careers largely to their education and expect their children to follow
suit. But how to get that done? Each parent is different. Even
in today’s China where the college entrance examination
plays a key role in the future of the young, and students are
required to study hard from their entry into elementary
school, more and more people are beginning to question
the education system and the rigid way we bring up our
children. Many people have realized that students who excel
in their academic studies alone often turn out to be
inadequate in handling real life issues.
Parenting is a complicated task to which there is no
preparation. It is a privilege, a blessing, and a challenge. No
matter a Westerner or an Asian, we all cherish aspirations
for our children. The key is to learn parenting in a loving and
balanced manner.
I have come a long way in learning lessons from my own
parenting experience. I hope new parents will be more open-
minded and nurturing while playing their guiding role to their
children.
in today’s China where the college entrance examination
plays a key role in the future of the young, and students are
required to study hard from their entry into elementary
school, more and more people are beginning to question
the education system and the rigid way we bring up our
children. Many people have realized that students who excel
in their academic studies alone often turn out to be
inadequate in handling real life issues.
Parenting is a complicated task to which there is no
preparation. It is a privilege, a blessing, and a challenge. No
matter a Westerner or an Asian, we all cherish aspirations
for our children. The key is to learn parenting in a loving and
balanced manner.
I have come a long way in learning lessons from my own
parenting experience. I hope new parents will be more open-
minded and nurturing while playing their guiding role to their
children.
Jian Ping's column
Parenting
Parenting